The Truth About Gay Asian Men

"Are you sticky?"

It was a hot summer evening in Boston almost a decade ago, and I was one of only two Asian men in a crowded, predominantly white gay club. The other guy in the room had been smiling at me all evening and finally came up to make small talk. I was trying to politely convey my lack of interest in him when he asked that strange question.

"Well, yeah," I replied. "It's very hot in here." He laughed and said he wasn't asking about my skin but whether I was attracted to other Asian men -- "Sticky, like sticky rice" he clarified, "rice that clings together." There's "sticky rice," he said, and there are "potato queens" -- Asians who only date white men.

"Oh, I am definitely a potato queen," I replied hastily to dispel any hopes he might have. While keenly aware that he was strikingly good-looking, there was no way I would be interested in him; back then, I wanted a Caucasian boyfriend, preferably one who looked like the male models in GQ. He sighed, "I'm not surprised. So many Asians only want a white boyfriend. I don't know why." He gave me a wan smile and took his leave.

It's been eight years since, but I've never forgotten that conversation because it started me on the road to questioning my racial preferences. They had always been a reflex, not anything I had really thought about until that evening. Why was I attracted only to white men, I asked myself. Why wouldn't I even consider another Asian guy as a potential partner? I'd been attracted to white men since my earliest memory. From my preadolescent crushes to my teen idols, my white knight had always been, well, white. The only Asians I saw on TV or in the movies were houseboys or nerds, and there were certainly no Asian male models in the pages of the fashion magazines my friends and I so fervently perused.

I realized I was not alone in this. Most of the gay Asians I knew would only date white guys, and most of us just accepted this as the norm. But as I looked more deeply into the phenomenon, I was astonished by how widespread it was, at just how huge a percentage of gay Asian men were attracted only to white men.

I thought of how my gay Asian friends and I accepted dates from Caucasian men we weren't even attracted to, just so we could have a white partner. And most of the gay white men we met were not interested in dating Asians. As in heterosexual society, Asian men were considered to be at the absolute bottom in the hierarchy of desirability. It seemed that the only white men who were interested in dating Asians were "rice queens" -- a non-Asian man, usually much older, who dates Asian men exclusively, with a single-minded passion bordering on fetishism and with attendant expectations of how Asians should behave. The white men who could see us as individuals and not stereotypes were few and far between, so we potato queens just took whichever potatoes came our way.

After that night in Boston, though, I became determined to examine my own prejudices against dating Asian men and to fight the lifelong conditioning that had taught me to think of myself and other Asian men as inferior to white men. As my own ethnic self-esteem grew, I found myself becoming more and more attracted to other Asian men. I began looking to meet and chat with other "sticky" Asian men. But they weren't easy to find.

I started noticing that in gay magazines and newsweeklies, almost every personals ad placed by a "GAM" (gay Asian male) was for a "GWM" (gay white male). I observed that while America Online would always have three or more member-created "GAM4GWM" (gay Asian men for gay white men) chat rooms at any time of the day or night, all filled to capacity, there would only be one "GAM4GAM" room that usually only had a handful of participants. It wasn't just that gay Asian men were mainly looking for Caucasian partners, it was also that many were strongly, viscerally opposed to ever dating another Asian.

On AOL, I sent instant messages to literally hundreds of other gay Asians, searched member profiles through the member directory and perused hundreds of personals ads. Most of my IMs to other Asians on AOL were met with stony cybersilence or a one-line "Sorry, not into other Asians" reply. The sad thing was that I wasn't even looking for those who only dated other Asians, just those who would even consider an Asian for a partner. Of 110 personals ads placed by gay Asian men in AOL's Photo Personals section, for example, I counted 54 that had marked "white" or "Latino" in the racial preferences boxes, but excluded "Asian."

In the afterword of the book version of his Tony Award-winning play, M. Butterfly, playwright David Henry Hwang wrote, "In these relationships, the Asian virtually always plays the role of the 'woman'; the Rice Queen, culturally and sexually, is the 'man.' This pattern of relationships has become so codified that, until recently, it was considered unnatural for gay Asians to date one another. Such men would be taunted with a phrase which implied they were lesbians."

The use of the term "lesbian" to identify gay Asian men who are attracted to each other is a stunning indication of how many gay Asian men perceive that only white men are "real" men and that Asian men who date each other are therefore "lesbians" -- two "women" together. Mainstream society's stereotyping of Asian men as feminine is raised to a grotesque level in the gay community.

The pursuit of a white boyfriend is so intense that many gay Asian men would sooner date a much older white male partner than another Asian. Asian and Friends and the Long Yang Club are both social organizations with numerous chapters around the world that are designed for Asian men to meet Caucasian partners. I had attended some of their events in cities from Sydney to New York, and all I saw were 50-something white guys with their 20-something Asian boyfriends.

"I used to wonder what the deal was with these young Asian guy/older white guy couples that I saw all the time," says Patrick, a Caucasian gay male in his 30s who lives in New York and has dated Asians. "When I started getting to know some of them, I found that often the Asian guys were just settling for whatever white guy would have them, and there was usually this economic inequality. Even if the Asian guy was making decent money, there was this inequality in power and status."

This inequality in status between Asians and Caucasians can be seen even in places that cater to gay Asians: The Web, an Asian-owned nightclub in Manhattan, used to allow Caucasian patrons in for free while charging Asians -- the idea being that Caucasian men were more important and desirable, since Asians were going to the club to meet Caucasian partners. The concept is similar to "ladies night" at heterosexual nightspots; women are at a premium, so they get in for free.

At Long Yang Club and Asians and Friends meetings, I chatted with other Asian men and asked them how they think they came to prefer white partners so exclusively. Bert, a 34-year-old Filipino from Boston said, "I just never thought Asian men were beautiful. My God, I certainly never thought of myself as beautiful. I want an all-American boyfriend."

"To be honest, I see other Asian guys as competition," said Paul, a 28-year-old Filipino American. "I can be friends with other Asian guys, but I'll never date them." Chris, a 26-year-old Chinese American living in Philadelphia has also experienced the cold shoulder from other gay Asians. "Many of the Asian guys here don't acknowledge my existence in the bars; they see me as competition for the few white men that are attracted to Asians."

Some potato-only Asians became highly defensive when asked about their exclusive preference for white men. Most said they saw nothing wrong with being attracted only to white men, that it had nothing to do with self-hatred or media conditioning. "And even if I've been conditioned by the media, so what?" asked Matt, a 24-year-old Chinese American New Yorker whose last partner was a 46-year-old Caucasian. "We're all conditioned by the media. I like white men, period."

Interestingly, my chats with Asians around the country and online showed a fairly clear geographic division: gay Asian men in California were significantly more open to dating Asians than gay Asians on the East Coast. Perhaps California's longer history and larger Asian American population have simply provided gay Asians with more Asian men to serve as positive role models and teenage crushes.

We often criticize the mainstream media for turning Asian men into desexualized caricatures, but the situation is much worse in gay culture. "There's already so much emphasis on physical beauty within gay male culture," says Ian, a 36-year-old Asian New Yorker who has had long-term relationships with both whites and Asians. "It's even harder for gay Asian men who do not fit the very narrow standard of what is considered desirable -- the muscle-bound, hyper-masculine look." Ian now describes himself as "very sticky," but he'd count himself in the minority. "The fact is most white men are not attracted to Asian men, and worse, Asian men are not attracted to each other."

As a reformed potato queen myself, one for whom race is now the least important factor in whom I date and love, I am optimistic that there's hope for us all. As Asian Americans assert themselves more in the media and as the number of real-life role models increase, I believe that more gay Asian men will be able to realize that they can be as beautiful, sexy, attractive and desirable as any blond-haired, blue-eyed hunk.

By Jason Chang
aMagazine
February/March 2001

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Sexual Racism / Gay Asian Male (GAM)

Racism is a pretty loaded term and it's also a hard concept for people to deal with. I think we like to see ourselves as pretty free of prejudice, but of course, we're not. We make judgements all the time, and often this happens before we meet someone, or before a situation happens. This can be a good thing - a process of critical thinking and choice - or it might not be a good thing, if our preconceptions are preventing us from seeing or taking part in the world in a complete way, or if they hurt other people.

Since about 2002, I've been raising the issue of sexual racism on the internet, and I discovered that others were as well. So, we've joined forces, aiming to raise discussion on the issue, and to make the internet, and maybe by extension, the gay community, a safer and friendlier place for everyone, no matter what colour you are.

The use of internet services for dating and meeting up with other men has gone up and up and UP. Places like gaydar.com.au or gay.com or aol.com or any of these gay profile sites may be the most powerful force shaping gay male sexuality today. They are certainly among the most important ways we meet each other and talk about who we are.

Along with the rise of these services (which stretch beyond national borders to a truly international meeting place and phenomenon) have arisen new forms of old prejudices. This is the issue we want to address and it relates to these phrases:
No fats, no fems, no Asians.
Not interested in arrogant, effeminate guys, asians or guys with attitude.
Seeking other similar goodlooking masculine guys, no fems, no asians please
No GAMs (no Gay Asian Males)

We're calling this: "sexual racism".

Some people relate racism only to the Ku Klux Klan and white supremacist groups. They think that racism is only when you hate other races or when you think your race is superior. But racism is also about prejudice based on race. It often involves the first definitions but is much more subtle.

Since I'm assuming that most everyone who is reading this is gay, I ask you to think of your own experience of being gay. It didn't take people to actively hate me in order for me to feel uncomfortable. It could just have been their discomfort or distaste. And I don't think any straight person ever told me that they were superior to me - but I did feel marginalized for not having the same equal rights. So, just as homophobia and heterosexism need not be blatant to be harmful, it's the same with racism.

If you're surfing the internet looking for friends, or dates, or shags, and you read profile after profiile that excludes you on the basis of something you have no control over - race - , how does it make you feel? No GAMS is only one letter away from No GAYS. Think of it that way. How about if you walk around in your workplace or your neighbourhood and occasionally, or more often than you think, you see a sign that says "No Gays."

We know that prejudices don't go away easily so while we hope to make people think, the prime aim of this campaign is practical and concrete. What we're working towards is eliminating language from public space that makes gay internet sites unfriendly and unwelcoming to not only Asian men, but to other men who are different. We recommend that men word their ads positively, to specify who or what we're looking for, rather than who or what we're not looking for, i.e. looking for slim guys, rather than "no fats."

It's become so easy and so common in Sydney (and some other places) for men to write the terms -No Asians, No GAMs, No Gay Asians - in their profiles. I hope that gay asian guys who use the internet for dating and meeting people, as well as our friends and supporters will join in a campaign to get these phrases out of public spaces where they create an environment where the people think it is acceptable and where it is hurtful to those who encounter it.

http://www.andyquan.com/X/gam.htm

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"Queen" As In Gay Slang

In gay slang, queen is a term used to refer to flamboyant or effeminate gay men. The term can either be pejorative, or celebrated as a type of self-identification.

Drag queen

A "drag queen" is a man who dresses (or "drags") in female clothes and make-up for performing or entertaining as a stage artist.

Rice queen

A rice queen is a non-Asian male, who prefers or exclusively dates Asian. The term is considered gay slang and depending on the context, may be considered derogatory and offensive internationally. The term "rice king" is used to describe heterosexual males who seek Asian women. (The term "yellow fever" denotes the attraction certain non-Asian individuals may have for Asian men or women.)

Sticky Rice

"Sticky rice" refers to Asian males who prefer other Asian males.

Bean queen

Bean queen or rice and bean Queen are terms used in the English speaking gay community to refer to a person, usually a White male, who is primarily attracted to Hispanic and Latino males. One source describes these as "Gay men who are attracted to gentlemen of the Latino flava.

The term is probably derived from the better-established term "rice queen", substituting the rice that forms the basis of the Asian diet with the beans or rice and beans popular throughout Central America, South America, and the Caribbean. Other food-based variations such as taco queen, salsa queen and so on are also heard occasionally."Refried beans" refers to Hispanic and Latino men who prefer other Hispanic and Latino men. Much less frequently, these terms are used to describe gay Latino males themselves.

Potato queen

A potato queen is a person, who prefers or exclusively dates Caucasian men. Often, but not always, it is a younger Asian man who dates older white men. The name could be considered gay slang. Depending on the context, the term may be considered derogatory and offensive internationally. "Mashed potato" is also used to refer to Caucasian men who prefer Caucasian men.

Dairy queen

A dairy queen is a black or Hispanic male who prefers or exclusively dates Caucasian men.The phrase probably nods to the chain of restaurants bearing the same name.

Chocolate queen

A chocolate queen is a white male who prefers or exclusively dates black men.

Size queen

A size queen is a gay male who prefers or exclusively dates men with large penises.

Opera queen

Opera queen is a gay slang term for gay men who love opera.The term inspired the title of the book The Queen's Throat: Opera, Homosexuality, and the Mystery of Desire by Wayne Koestenbaum, and opera queens are, more generally, the subject of Mawrdew Czgowchwz by James McCourt.

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Body Image Pressures on Gay Men

Research shows that gay men don’t like their bodies very much. That might seem surprising, given the amount of time many of us spend at the gym. We probably devote more time and effort to cultivating our physical selves than any other demographic group. Just the same, research indicates that straight men like their bodies most, followed by gay women; straight women like their bodies less than these first two. The group that likes their physical appearance the least is gay men.

Why is this? Gay men spend a lot of time in places that place a premium on physical appearance: bars, gyms, sex clubs. We live in a sexualized subculture that places a premium on physical beauty, and media and advertising bombard us with images that reflect an impossibly high standard of physical beauty. Under circumstances like these, it’s easy to confuse who you are with how you look.

We all like to see attractive men, of course. Still, more and more men – even men with bodies that most of us would agree are muscular and very attractive – find themselves very dissatisfied with how they look. At it’s most extreme, this situation is called body dysmorphia – a preoccupation with some imagined defect in appearance when the person involved is actually very normal looking. This problem can lead to depression and trouble forming healthy relationships.

Research indicates that eating disorders and body image problems are linked with public self-consciousness, social anxiety and feeling dishonest about who one really is. Men with internalized homophobia who have difficulty accepting themselves as gay are probably especially likely to develop a distorted body image or eating disorder.

Compared with women, who generally only worry that they are too fat, many gay men worry that they are either too fat or too thin. This misperception can become a genuine distortion disorder that could be called "reverse anorexia" or "bulkorexia." Even when dramatically muscular, men with this misperception feel they are too small or thin.

It's easy to see how men who have grown up with images of limp-wristed, reed-thin gay men form this sort of reaction and seek to show that they don't fit the stereotype. Preoccupation with muscles becomes a way of relieving fears about our masculinity.

Places where gay men socialize especially bars, gyms, and sex clubs, often emphasize physical attributes or make those the first criterion for checking someone out. It's difficult for someone who is older than a certain age or different from the prevailing cultural standards of beauty to catch someone's eye in a bar or club.

This has the sad and unintended consequence of leaving some gay men in the social binds most familiar to teenage girls – obsessed about their appearance and feeling like their locus of control lies completely outside of themselves.

If you have trouble accepting your body, there are steps you can take to improve the situation. First, take the concern seriously. Don't confuse who you are with how you look. Develop a sense of identity based on all of your attributes and on your values.

Put your body back together. Consider stretching, yoga and massage as ways to help yourself feel like more than just "skinny legs" or "love handles." Indulge in body pleasures – long baths, massage, good sex, a walk in the park on a sunny day. Make your own list.

Learn to appreciate body types in all shapes and sizes. Stop trashing men who don't conform to the "buffed" image. Seek alternative role models. Don't emphasize body size or shape as an indication of a man's worth or his identity as a man. Learn to value the person inside.

And finally, confront homophobia, including internalized homophobia. Don't accept being treated as a second-class citizen by straight society or by other gay folks.

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What Makes a Man Sexy?

Our culture values sexiness very highly. But what is sexiness? A visitor from another planet who looked at our advertising might think it was something you get from purchasing products like cars, colognes or cognac. Everyone wants it, but it is hard to define. What makes a man sexy?

The sexiness we’re talking about here is more than a matter of firm pecs and washboard abs. Physical characteristics are part of the equation, but far from the whole answer. We find some men sexy even though they are far from conventionally handsome, for instance.

Different people find different things sexually attractive, of course; sexy is a matter of personal taste. And what’s sexy to you when you are out dancing and looking for Mr. Right Now may be very different from what you would find sexy in Mr. Right. A bad boy with broad shoulders and a cute butt may get your attention at a club when you’re looking for a hookup. If you’re serious about dating, sexy eyes may be less arousing than clues that the guy in question might make a decent husband.

So what’s sexy: Here are some key ingredients:

Self-acceptance is fundamentally sexy in just about anyone. For gay men, that includes being comfortable with your sexual orientation. It means being able to be yourself; after all, who is better qualified for the job?

Self-confidence that allows you to take the initiative is something most people think of as masculine and appealing. Lots of people feel shy about approaching a stranger in a bar or starting up a conversation in a public place. They are relieved when someone else does that chore for them. And being able to look someone in the eye when you are speaking with them communicates a lot of positive things in our culture.

Similarly, a bit of sexual aggressiveness can be very appealing. That’s primarily true if you’ve picked up on signals that the other person is receptive to an advance and if you make your move with some subtlety and style.

Being able to truly listen to the other person and carry on a conversation communicates an ability to create emotional safety. If someone can share that kind of intimacy with you, it’s much easier for them to imagine being physically intimate as well. That’s also why paying attention to the other person’s needs and desires is so sexy. Candlelight helps!

Taking care of your physical self is an important part of sexiness, but not as much as you might imagine. Grooming is important, but physical perfection is far less crucial than being at home in your body. (It’s that self-acceptance thing again.) If you seem alive, relaxed and free, your body is going to have some appeal.

So what’s not sexy? The list could be long, but the sexy list gives us some clues:
bullet Trying to be someone else, rather than yourself. Being closeted about being gay is very unsexy.
bullet Narcissism – always talking about yourself, for instance – is different from self-confidence; it’s boring and irritating.
bullet Perfectionism and criticism, whether aimed at yourself or at others, is certainly not going to make someone feel comfortable and safe around you. Definitely not sexy.
bullet Being so aggressive that you don’t know when to back off or take “No” for an answer makes you a jerk, not a sexy man.

Sexiness can’t be bought in a bottle or a shirt. It can, however, be cultivated.

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